Yikes. I should’ve done this a long time ago. To catch you up (I’m imagining I have an audience here), this winter I tragically ran into a guy I was dating/not dating/you know the deal-ing the previous winter. To say that he broke my heart into a million little pieces would probably be accurate (and that bitch did it a week before I re-took the MCAT), and after he did so, I never spoke to him again. So 10 months later, cue me running into him at the top of a ski lift on a random Friday that I had called out of work for because there was a blizzard. The next weekend, I also ran into him again at a ski resort, where I tragically had my car key eject itself from my unzipped pocket, and I had to call him and ask him for a ride home. He then gave me a lift back to the mountain the next day and after that, we stayed in touch more than I was expecting.

I’m not really one to believe in coincidences being anything more than just that, but after 10 months of no contact and not a single run-in in a small city, twice in one week was something I couldn’t shake thinking about. Fast forward through a month and a half of planned meet-ups at concerts and bars, there was one late night at my house where he told me that he wanted to date me for real this time. He told me that he had messed up last time and wanted to take a chance with me for real now. Like excuse me, is this not music to my ears? I wanted to see so bad the potential of everything I thought it could be last time, but I knew this time would be so much better, because he showed me how he had changed.

If I could go back to that moment right now, I would likely slap the shit out of myself. What an idiot. Obviously hopefully you can tell that it didn’t end up working out. Two weeks into us dating, I got into medical school; this was something I had been working towards since I left the womb (well, not really, but it felt like it), and everything seemed like it was falling into place for me. Historically, nothing has really ever gone my way (shout out to getting the exact same score on my MCAT retake as the first time), so it felt so damn good to finally have two things that I had really been longing for.

But as time went on, it started to become clear to me that it didn’t entirely feel like we were dating. I felt excluded from his plans and ultimately, really left out of his life. It started to feel like the first time around, and I knew I had to say something. So, after having a whole two weeks to think about how to phrase my VERY BASIC need for more effort while I was on a solo trip, I initiated the discussion two days after I got back from my trip. That night, we broke up. On the three month mark, to the day.

Our conversation quickly shifted from expressing my needs, to his concern about me going to school, and how I would find the time to settle down when I was going to be so busy with a demanding career. BRO. You’re concerned about the theoretical time I might not have to spend with you when you can barely take any time to spend with me right now?? Yeah, anyway.

The next day I’m frantically scrolling through PsychologyToday’s website in search of a therapist while taking breaks to uncontrollably sob into my pillow. Did he break up with me solely because of my career choice? Or was that just some bullshit excuse for some other reason that had to do with me? My mind was ~unwell~ and spiraling; to be rejected not once, but twice, by the same man, whose idea it was in the first place that we date. Rage. Straight to hell.

Meanwhile, I was able to convince my parents to pay for therapy (“yeah so because neither of you went to therapy, that’s the reason I have to go, and now you have to pay for it thanks”). This shit is hard, and I should’ve gone a long time ago. I’ve had a lot of big transitions in my life, and I’m coming up on the biggest one yet, in the midst of my first-ever break up. In the last few weeks, I’ve doubted my decision to go to medical school for the first time: will I be smart enough? Will I be able to have a family? Do I even want to have a family? Will any guy put up with my schedule?

After writing all this, I don’t really know where this post is going, other than it felt really good to just get it all out there. Hopefully I’m not alone in feeling these sorts of things. As I say to my friends, I’ll make sure to keep you ~super updated~.